Peaceful at Last

My father passed away this morning at 4am. He is finally at peace in heaven with my mother. Visitation will be Friday night at the Rogers Funeral Home in Frankfort, Kentucky with services on Saturday morning.

I have never been so drained in all my life.

Another hard Day

After the difficult start to the day I called Father Chuck and asked him to come. He spent some time with Daddy. Daddy was calm and peaceful. Father Chuck said that he could tell it would not be long. Daddy had already seen my mother and he was ready he just needed to stay relaxed and peaceful. Then he said that though he wasn't sure he felt that my presense might be causing my father to hang on. He thought that it would be helpful for me in my current exhausted state as well as for my father if I could leave the house for a while and go spend some time with myself. So I left the house for three hours. My brother called and said that I needed to get back home because there wasn't much time. So I got home about 15 minutes later and the minute I walked in to the room all of his vital signs started coming back. This upset me a great deal. I decided to leave the house again. I called Father Chuck and he said that I just needed to stay in the other room. I could be close but perhaps my father was concerned that it was going to be just too hard on me to be there at the end. So I have been sitting in the living room for the last two hours. We are going to have an 11th hour hospice volunteer sit with him tonight until midnight. I am going to try to sleep in the other bedroom instead of on my Dad's floor or the couch tonight and try to get some rest.

Please pray for a peaceful passing for my father. It is so much harder to see him suffer than it will be for me to know he is at peace. We need to let go of each other. We will always have each other even when he is on the other side. I know that. I just need for him to know that.

New form of torture for the CIA

I think I have found the solution for turning CIA captives into informants. Make them sit and listen for hours on end to someone close them gasping for breath and suffering. It is the most agonizing torture in the world. The breath slows and it seems like peace is coming and then the gasping starts again. It is unbelievable. My mother didn't struggle like this even though it was similar she was much more at peace it seemed with the process. It just seems like there is something unresolved that keeps him struggling to come back.

I called Father Chuck and asked him to come this morning. He has a calming effect.

Peace

I think my brother and I are reaching our breaking point. I don't know how much longer we can endure this process. My Dad keeps trying to get out of bed and he is too weak. My brother isn't strong enough to lift 185 pounds of dead weight. He is going to throw out his back. My Dad isn't making any sense and we can't reason with him about getting out of bed. He doesn't hear anything I say. He only hears my brother. We did get some sleep between midnight a 5am but that's just not enough. I haven't had 8 hours of sleep more than a month. I have lost at least 10 pounds, probably more and I feel like I am losing my mind. I have been home in over a month. My children and my husband need me too. It is Christmas time and they want me with them. Its Lindsay's favorite time of the year and my favorite time with her because she is so full of the Christmas spirit. I need some of that spirit. I haven't been out of this house for more than an a few hours in 3 weeks and that was to have dinner with some investors who are just trying to get the most out this deal for themselves at the least amount of benefit they can get away with for me. I am going insane. Please pray for peace for all of us. We need peace - most of all for my Dad.

An odd morning

After the Hospice nurse left this morning my Dad wanted to get up in the wheelchair and sit in the family room for a while. He sat up in the chair for about 3 hours. Ate some ice cream and some soup and slept sitting up for a while. We finally got him back to bed around 1:00. He is resting now. It seems like its so near the end but then he just rallies back. I guess that is pretty common. It is heart wrenching.

A better night

We were finally able to get my Dad comfortable and resting and he got a better nights sleep (so did I). He only got up twice. This morning he woke up and wanted to sit up on the edge of the bed. He ate a little yogurt for breakfast and was much more lucid. We talked for a bit and I sat next to him on the bed and put my arm around him. He is an amazingly strong man.

Still hanging in there

Most of the day Saturday Daddy seemed to be doing a lot better than I would have expected. He got up and ate a poached egg and toast in the morning. Two friends came by and visted for an hour or so - Byrl and Kurt. They were just torn up when they left but really glad they had come to see him and visit for a while. Father Chuck came by before leaving town to preach in Hazard today. Daddy come out to the dining room table and ate lunch. He was in good spirits most of the afternoon but getting a little weaker. After dinner we were all tired. Frank had a bunch of conference calls for his big client conversion, trying to keep that on track despite his absense from New York. I decided to sleep on the floor in Daddy's room so that would be there when he needed something. He got up about every two hours. Once in the middle of the night he said he wanted waffles for breakfast. In the morning Frank went out and got waffles and he came out to the dining room table and ate waffles. But after that he really started slipping. It seemed like after lunch that he was slipping away and I really thought he was going to leave us early in the afternoon. But he had rallied. He really isn't lucid much anymore but he still keeps trying to get out of bed even though he is too weak. My brother had to fuss at him and tell him that he couldn't get out of bed anymore. He's gone to Walmart to see if he can find some sort of bed rail because Hospice can't deliver one until tomorrow.
I will sleep on the floor again tonight.