Stress

I had my annual physical last week. In general my health is good on all fronts with the exception of my mental state. According to the test I took I am in the 98th percentile on vocational stress and the 89th percentile on domestic stress. Let's see, my job stress is probably related to the fact that I have way too much to do and never enough time to do it because I am in endless, pointless meetings that rarely have an agenda or established outcomes. There is rarely open dialogue about real issues and half the people I work with are either passive aggressive or blatantly aggressive. There is no meaningful debate and concerns and issues that are raised are either discounted or outright ignored. Oh, and my boss, has an extremely unpredictable personality that floats between disrespectful, mean/cutting, and jovial and humorous. And his expectations are only rarely grounded in reality.

Then, let's look at the domestic stress. My mother died last year leaving my Dad alone and not in the best of health. Half the time the medicine one doctor is giving him for one ailment is practically killing because of one of his other issues. The medical system is broken and he's over a thousand miles away where I can't really help him. My nineteen year old daughter hates me and says that something I did when she was a child has caused her to have severe depression and other issues and is constantly making me feel like they need to make another "mommy dearest" to depict the horrors of my mothering skills. My husband has PD and won't talk to me about any of his feelings. He avoids my teenager and won't deal with the issues of their relationship or its impact on me as the person in between. While I know that he loves me very much I don't feel very loved. In fact, there is only one person in my house who tells me that they love me everyday without me having to say it first. That's my son Jack. He tells me several times a day, every day. I take that back, my Dad tells me every day when I call him on the phone to check on him. I think my husband has said he loved me once (before I said it) that I can remember in the last several months. My daughter Mary Mac says it sometimes but mostly after I have said it to her first.

I remember going to a marriage class before we got married. It was a weekend retreat at a church compound. One of the things that they told us was how important it is to tell each other that you love each other every day.

I realize that I have been a VERY strong person all my life so maybe that makes people either thinks that I don't need support or love. But I really do. I don't think I am as strong as I appear on the outside.

I suppose I really shouldn't be writing all this where people can read it. So why do people write these sorts of things on blogs. Are they crying out for someone to hear them and help them? For somebody to reach across the chasm and pull them back. To offer an idea, solution or just some support? Perhaps. Or maybe just to get off their chest.